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CRAIG BROWN: Question – How many Tory MPs fit in a VW Polo? Answer – all of them… if next year’s news actually comes true


January

Following complaints that his film Napoleon contains startling historical errors, British director Ridley Scott is now filming Churchill, starring Tom Cruise in the title role, with Scarlett Johansson as his wife Clemmie.

The film ends with Winston Churchill and his arch-enemy Adolf Hitler (Alan Cumming) grappling on the top of a fast-moving train as it hurtles through Colorado.

British director Ridley Scott is now filming Churchill, starring Tom Cruise in the title role, with Scarlett Johansson as his wife Clemmie

British director Ridley Scott is now filming Churchill, starring Tom Cruise in the title role, with Scarlett Johansson as his wife Clemmie

February

BBC Radio 4’s long-running consumer programme, You And Yours, investigates the ongoing problem of hats.

‘We’ve heard terrible stories from listeners who’ve written in to complain that their hats are far too small to fit on their heads,’ reveals presenter Winifred Robinson. ‘And others from listeners who say their hats are much too big.

‘It all amounts to nothing less than a worldwide epidemic of hat-misery.’

A spokesman for the Hat Survivors League calls on the Government to put more investment into the care and protection of hat victims. ‘No one who hasn’t ever experienced a hat blowing off their head in a high wind will ever know what it feels like,’ he says. ‘And it’s up to all of us to show them that we care.’

March

Netflix, Amazon and other streaming services have been forced to advertise for fresh serial killers.

‘Our true crime supply has just about dried up,’ says TV executive Max Proffitt. ‘We’ve run major eight-part documentary series on every serial killer there’s ever been, and now we’re having to feature hobby killers who’ve only murdered one or two people.

‘In two or three years’ time, even they will have run out, and we’ll be having to produce full-length true crime series on a guy who once stole a bar of chocolate from his local store. That’s why we’re appealing for undiscovered serial killers to come forward. The rewards will be tremendous.’

April

With the new series of The Crown under way, writer Peter Morgan reveals some exciting plot turns.

‘Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II in a skiing accident, the Duchess of Sussex flies from her home in Montecito to London Heathrow, hoping to seize control of the British throne.

‘But on her arrival at Buckingham Palace, she is shocked to find that Edward and Sophie have got there first and have chained themselves to the throne.

‘Luckily, the Duchess of York is on Meghan’s side and calls in a favour from the Keeper of the Privy Purse, Lord Richard Branson.’

Imelda Staunton as the late Queen Elizabeth II alongside Dominic West as Charles in The Crown

Imelda Staunton as the late Queen Elizabeth II alongside Dominic West as Charles in The Crown

To critics who suggest none of these incidents happened in real life, Morgan retorts: ‘Fact: Meghan lives in Montecito. Fact: Heathrow Airport is situated near London. Fact: there is a throne in Buckingham Palace. In some areas, I may have taken artistic licence, but my 100-strong team of researchers are right about all the essentials.’

May

The Government plans a major crackdown against anyone caught without being in possession of a mobile phone.

‘For too long we have given free rein to those who think they can exist without a mobile phone,’ says hard-hitting Conservative MP Lee Anderson.

‘But enough is enough. From now on, police will be on the lookout for anyone on the streets or on public transport who is looking straight ahead and failing to keep their eyes glued to a mobile.’

June

‘There are cautious grounds for optimism,’ declares Tory chairman Ethelred King after the Conservatives lose all but three of their seats in the 2024 general election.

‘Frankly, this makes the parliamentary party much more streamlined, with far fewer disagreements. And it cuts down on the costs of transport and administration.

‘The whole party can fit into a VW Polo, with room for one extra. Things have never looked better.’

¿There are cautious grounds for optimism,¿ declares Tory chairman Ethelred King after the Conservatives lose all but three of their seats in the 2024 general election. Pictured: Gillian Keegan, Mark Harper and Steve Barclay

‘There are cautious grounds for optimism,’ declares Tory chairman Ethelred King after the Conservatives lose all but three of their seats in the 2024 general election. Pictured: Gillian Keegan, Mark Harper and Steve Barclay

Within hours of his party’s landslide election victory, Labour leader Keir Starmer faces calls for his resignation.

‘We were promised a revival of the fortunes of ordinary working people, but it’s been nearly two hours now and Keir’s done nothing,’ complains an irate Labour member.

‘He said he was all for change — but my car is exactly the same as it was yesterday, and so are my house and family,’ agrees a leading trades unionist. ‘These politicians always fail to deliver on their promises.’



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